I've been thinking and reading a lot about the current human condition, the state of civilization, and among other things, have been interested in the study of people; the way they behave, their psychology.
It's like looking into a petri dish for me whenever I have the unfortunate task at hand of immersing myself in the outside world. Everything seems alien, fascinating.
I think that is why I have given myself the task of study. It's an obsessive habit at this point that has consumed my life. It's hard to get anything else done anymore, though I resign myself to very little else. I have zero other hobbies at this point because my current fascination with a broadening range of topics has become so consuming.
My faith in the human race is zero. This may seem an entirely negative perspective, and one that could easily be the result of a growing depression; quite the opposite. I've actually never felt better. Now that my emotions are in check, I have reached a level headed calm like I have never experienced before. This has granted me a new focus, the ability to concentrate, and to tear the metaphorical lampreys away from my being that absorbed so much of my energy and time.
The only right way to live seems to be a life of constant learning; not because it has any value. As another "ferment" in the great sea of yeast, I find it impossible to care about the direction humanity is heading, or where my place in that is. The only values I withhold in this regard are making sure I rear my daughter to be a member of some intelligence and worth. The end result is the same for all of us, but that is my one and only genetic imperative, and the one material concept I find holds any value for me. Everything else seems rather meaningless at this point.
This isn't a case of self-hatred. Just stark, unfettered perspective. I'm excited to see how this line of thinking will evolve over time, and where I will be in the future. Right now, I feel like I am a clean slate of sorts; any ethical or moral values I have previously held are soft and pliable. I am far more interested in opening my mind than I am to closing it off at this point.
I won't necessarily renounce any previously held values or allegiances. I don't really know where I stand. In short, this is the most honest I have been with myself in all my adult life; the admission that I really know nothing at all, but the spark of curiosity bursting inside of me that yearns to learn more.
Overall, it seems the most productive way to spend my time. I'm no longer interested in artistry at the moment; I'd get no real satisfaction out of creating sources of entertainment for the cesspool of the human race to enjoy. I am glad to be done with people for the moment; they have no utility in my life right now.