Friday, January 4, 2013

Pill

This is my domain name, unofficially. No matter how many times I resurrect and deconstruct it, it always remains available. Maybe it's not as clever as I think. At any rate, I can't seem to escape it.

My life has changed fundamentally over the past year or so. Let me tell you about depression.

What started out as a mental issue became a physical one over the course of a few months. Insomnia, general fatigue, and all sorts of other minor issues resulted. And then I began to see the effect it was having on my thinking. I got involved with people I shouldn't have due to a lack of critical thinking. I started yearning for a connection, with someone. I would cry a lot.

It was all a ton of nonsense, anyways. After a series of events brought me to my knees mentally, I went and sought professional help.

I have a lot of pride, you see. And this pride was counterproductive. It was hindering my ability to assess my own condition, to see the dire straits I was truly in. But after a sobering moment when my facade began to crack, I realized the necessity was there for me to escape from the compulsion loop of self-punishment and bad behavior and finally take the medication coming to me.

It's been long enough that I can say the medication is working. I'd rather not be on it my entire life, but for now, it has brought me back to a stable mental state. Therapy is to follow. I'm looking for any way out that I can find. I really don't like medication. But it is what I need right now.

But a peculiar thing has happened. The few months of severe depression and reaching out to people, even beginning to consider the spiritual as a crutch among other things taught me this; I am the most "human" when I am depressed. My worldview is skewed to the point where I start to fall in line with the majority. When the pill started kicking in, so did my more misanthropic tendencies. I began to tire of people again.

It's strange. Anyone else would have equated my former and current behavior with that of a sociopath, or at the very least, someone who was extremely depressed. Maybe I am wired backwards. This medication, which is supposed to prevent depressive tendencies, is making me distance myself again. And truthfully, it feels really good. When you are strange, normal things are weird to you. Everything is backwards.

I don't really know why I am bringing this blog back. Maybe it's a fleeting interest. I have basically removed myself almost completely from the internet. I might never post here again.

It's a useful outlet either way. Maybe that's the one thread of connection I really crave; being heard, having my ego satisfied.

I've always liked attention. I just don't like it for very long.


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